Current mood:	nostalgic
Current music:	josh rouse....home

first my mom comes out of hiding, and then yesterday i get a christmas/birthday card from my old best friend.

between the ages of 13-18 (basically from the last day of my freshman year of high school until the time i moved out on my own), i didn't have any 'real' friends to hang out with or to talk to 'cos i was too busy working 80 hours a week for my stepfather. and i'm sure that this lack of interaction with my peers stunted my social growth somewhat. but maybe it didn't. i mean, the only 'friends' i had during that time were my stepfathers, so i got to hang out and participate in adult type conversations with people 2 or 3 times older than i. and this, i believe, was a good thing. it made me a more mature person, and taught me a lot about the 'real world', so to speak. until very recently, i still had a hard time relating to kids my own age, mainly because they hadn't been through what i had. it's hard to find a common dialog when you're talking to people completely ignorant about how things really work. maybe it's unrealistic to expect some 16 year old to understand the importance of hard work and the value of money, but that's how i am. i can't deal with people who've had everything handed to them on a silver platter. mommy's boys and daddy's girls make me sick. get out into the real world and try to understand what it means to struggle for something...

but to be honest, kids my age used to scare/intimidate me a bit. i was always (and still am) so busy being an adult and acting mature, that i wasn't sure if they'd accept me as one of their own. but thanks to increased interaction with people my own age (from going to clubs or shows), i think i'm finally starting to grasp the concept of 'acting ones age' (and maybe even acting a few years younger. heh.) and this is most certainly a very good thing. at work, i'm 21 going on 30. but when i'm out having a good time, i'm like a 12 year old on a caffeine kick.

but enough digressing...back to my point: since i was working all the time, and didn't have any friends (or any time to make friends for that matter), i used the internet as an escape; to meet and chat with people my own age. this one girl, maggie, who lived up in san francisco, quickly became one of my best friends. we chatted online for a couple of years, but never did we speak on the phone, or meet in person. i still think that it was her influence that led me to becoming interested in good music. she turned me on to kula shaker, blur, etc. i wish i could thank her for that 'cos music has been the best part of my life thus far. it's my saving grace, the one thing i can always count on, that will never let me down. my records are my lifeline, my time line. everytime i play a certain record, it brings back so many memories; both the good, and the not so good. so, thank you maggie. that you so much.

i lost touch with maggie after a while (so it goes with internet relationships) but when i was 16, i met this other girl, kira. she lived in san diego and was also a lot of fun to chat with. after a few months of online chatting, she gave me her number and we started talking on the phone, a lot. we'd talk for five or six hours at a time, late into the night. some nights we wouldn't get to sleep and we'd talk until she had to get ready for school or i had to get ready for work. we'd talk about stupid things and important things...anything, basically. i'd drive down to san diego to see her and hang out, and she'd drive up to la. we had a great relationship. truly, i had a best friend, someone to confide in. when life was truly horrible, she was there to talk me through it. on the day i decided to leave home, it was her i called for help. she drove up from san diego and helped me load all my stuff to take to a friends house. unfortunately, that was the last time i saw her. it's been two and a half years since then; she got married, had a baby boy and her life is different now. and so is mine. we've talked less and less and as time goes by, it gets awkward to pick up the phone and call out of the blue. i haven't spoken to her in maybe a year, and i feel bad. but i don't want to call and feel like i'm intruding on her life.

but then i got her christmas card with a picture of her little boy on the front (he's adorable) and she even remembered to write me a little happy birthday wish. she wrote down her phone number and asked me to call. i almost started crying 'cos i was so happy to have heard from her and was so touched she remembered my birthday. so, i guess i'm going to give her a call and say a little hello and hope that it won't be too awkward after so long.

this is why i never want to lose touch with people. i've learned something from every person i've ever met. the people you meet are a part of who you are, a part of your history. every person you spend time with, you're also spending a part of your life with...and to lose a part of that history would just be the biggest mistake anyone could ever make.