Current mood:	frustrated
Current music:	pulp...different class

la la la la la la la la la la...in the midnight hour.
this isn't how i'm supposed to feel on the day before my 21st birthday. i'm supposed to be happy, excited, etc., but i find that i'm upset and not really all that anxious for it to be tomorrow.

maybe it's just been a really bad day at the office. yeah, maybe i'm upset 'cos i'm really effing stressed out. yeah. i hope that's it.

contrary to what i've been saying for weeks in my journal, i've not really made too big a deal about my birthday here at work. in fact, i've made a point about not talking about it too much. i kinda want people to surprise me by remembering. i don't know what, if anything, anyone here has planned for me. i've lowered all expectations to the point where i wouldn't be too sad if no one remembered at all. that's what i do. i lower my expectations of people, and then when they meet or surpass said expectations, i'm overjoyed. it's a coping mechanism i learned whilst i was young to avoid potential disappointment.

i want people to genuinely feel like celebrating with me. not because they have to, but because they like me and want to do something nice for me. i'd hate it if people went through the motions and got me stuff only because they *had* too. don't do things because you *have* to, do them because you *want* to.

well, i guess this is it. the day that i've been waiting for...it's almost here.

so why am i not happy? i don't know. i just feel like there's something missing.